In honor of National Rainbow Baby Day, we are sharing this post from 2019.
“Baby?” “Yes, baby.”
My daughter had found an old ultrasound of a baby from a few pregnancies ago, and in that moment, I thought about how distant our miscarriages felt. It’s not every day that I think about our three losses before our rainbow baby, but when it happens, I either cry or simply sigh and move on with my day.
When you’ve lost a baby (regardless of when or how it happens) you are forever changed. Your mind is changed. Your heart is changed. Your womb is changed. You see life and what others view as the “most natural thing” as an obstacle that will defeat you should you even think about trying to overcome it. You see life as a cruel joke when your belly stops growing, or your baby’s heartbeat disappears, and then hear stories about how others take their children for granted and lose them because of their own selfish desires. You simply see life in a different way than someone who has never experienced a loss.
So, when you receive another positive on a tiny stick, your mind races. You think of all the medicines you need to stop taking or the activities that you’re worried may be too much for your body to handle anymore. You think of jumping for joy only after jumping to the conclusion that this baby will be taken from you again. Your mind races and your heart may or may not want to race after it. Your mind may say, “this is going to end the same way, so prepare now,” while your heart says, “but, there’s a heartbeat again!” Your mind may say “this time will be different” while your heart says, “protect yourself and don’t grow attached!” No matter which way you go, it’s difficult.
It’s difficult to imagine that the rainbow will come after the storm. It’s difficult to imagine that the frigid winter will leave room for a blossoming spring. It’s difficult to imagine that there can be a healthy viable pregnancy after a tormenting loss.
It’s difficult, but I promise that it can happen.
The state of Minnesota declared March as Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month. I’m sure many of us are familiar with October commemorating the little ones gone too soon during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but to have another month to commemorate and even celebrate pregnancy after those precious losses is a marvel in itself.
Yes, we continue to grieve our children who never experienced life with us.
Yes, we continue to think abut how we should have been moms before now.
Yes, we continue to struggle with saying how many children or pregnancies our bodies have brought forth.
But, we can also celebrate the lives that are fighting and continuing to grow within us every day.
This month, mama, if you have ever experienced a loss and find yourself pregnant again or already with a child by your side, can I ask you for something?
Celebrate.
Celebrate the life you have created.
Celebrate the miracle your body has brought forth.
Celebrate motherhood.
