Who exactly sets the expectations in motherhood?
“What did we expect?” I huff to myself as my husband loads my almost two-year-old into the car after being at the park for about an hour. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs and thrashing around, doing everything in his power to prevent getting buckled into his car seat. I take a deep breath as I click his newborn sister’s car seat into its base next to him and close the door, taking my time as I make my way to the passenger seat in the front. My husband and I buckle ourselves in, take a moment to look at one another, and exchange a look that says, “What were we thinking?” . My husband puts the car in gear, and we head home.
If my 22-month-old son could talk, I wonder how he would describe his outing? Would it differ from how I felt the afternoon went? If I had to guess, he would tell me how much fun it was walking through the icy, muddy puddle I worried would make his feet cold. He would smile, telling me about how funny it was watching me count all of the acorns and their “hats” he worked so hard to find. He would tell me how proud he was when he figured out how to get out of the weeds during his hike instead of getting frustrated and giving up. He might thank me for my patience when he was having big feelings about not being able to run into someone’s yard. He might say, “that was so much fun!”.
My son has no concept of time. He does not understand if we were at the park for 20 minutes or 2 hours. He is going to get upset when we leave, no matter what. So why is it I feel like the trip was a waste if we didn’t get to stay the amount of time I see “worth it” for an outing? Why is it if we have a day full of screen time and snacks, I somehow feel like I didn’t do enough? Whose expectations am I trying to meet?
As mothers, we are being pushed and pulled in a million different directions second to second, minute to minute, hour by hour, day to day. We are being sold this idea that we should be doing more, we should be doing less, we should be doing it differently. Do more activities, offer more independent play, buy less toys in primary colors, implement Montessori— it’s always something. We are being told that our children’s mental health is in jeopardy during this pandemic. We are desperate to salvage our children’s childhood.
When you are feeling guilty, less than, or defeated, ask yourself whose expectations you are trying to meet. Ask yourself if your expectations are being influenced by unrealistic and unnecessary pressures. Ask your child what their favorite part of their day was. Their answer might surprise you— maybe it was cuddling on the couch while you were beating yourself up about not offering them enough stimulation. Maybe they will tell you that you have coffee breath and to leave them alone. I don’t know, but it’s worth the ask. You are doing a great job, Mamas!
