TRIGGER WARNING: I am about to talk about sex. I know not everyone is comfortable talking about sex. I am. Please proceed with caution.
Something has been on my mind for a while. I feel like we only talk about our sex lives when we are complaining about them. The safe place women have created to love ourselves and love each other is empowering and energizing. The dialogue surrounding our sex lives doesn’t seem to have evolved as quickly. Sex can be empowering and energizing, too! So I am here to ask all of you … when was the last time you beamed and told your girlfriends how great sex was with your partner last night?
Over the past few years, my husband and I have branched into a new stage of our relationship where the sex is just really that good. This has not always been the case. Not that it has never been good before, but it has become good in a way that it seems only time and a deep understanding of one another can bring. AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
First off, I don’t think it just *POOF* happened out of nowhere. I am proud of the progress we have made as a couple and as individuals committed to the success of our sex life. Additionally, I hope sharing my thought process might create a space for others to do the same. I want to talk about the good sex YOU are having too…or maybe not having, in the hopes that the lessons I learned can be a useful tool for you as well. Let’s pool our resources and share all the head work we have done, because let’s be real, so much of what happens … or doesn’t happen … is wrapped up in our own minds.
Here are a few lies I had to stop telling myself and work through to get out of my own orgasm’s way.
LIE #1 Spontaneity is sexy!
We love a schedule in our house. I live for busting out the chalk markers and redoing the family calendar at the end of the month. WHY would I ever think my husband springing ANYTHING on me last minute is a good idea? Or vice versa? We BOTH function much better with a plan. So we plan our sex. It’s not written on the family calendar in the kitchen or anything, but we know what days work for us, and when our schedules change, as they inevitably do, we have a conversation about how to work sex into that new schedule.
Letting go of the need for spontaneity has been freeing. Now we can send each other sweet (or kinky) texts all day, which sure makes getting in the mood, moments after we have kissed our kids goodnight, a heck of a lot easier. Or if I am not feeling particularly sexy that day, I can do things that help me get there. Let’s be honest, foreplay starts WAY before you get to the bedroom.
LIE #2 He should KNOW what I want him to do!
He is not a mind reader, he never has been, and he never will be, and neither am I, for that matter. It has taken some trial and error and a good deal of patience with one another, but we have created a vocabulary that makes me comfortable saying, “That isn’t working for me tonight, can we try this?” And through this journey, I have learned that maybe I wanted him to read my mind because I wasn’t 100% comfortable expressing what feels good to me. Let’s unpack that right quick. I wasn’t comfortable or confident enough to tell my husband … my life partner … the person I am raising two children with, what feels good to me and what doesn’t. That was an issue all on its own that we can dissect in a different blog post.
LIE #3 I KNOW what I am doing!
Once I was able to express more clearly what I desired sexually, the next step was creating a safe environment for him to do the same. I trust this man so implicitly in every other aspect of our lives. Why did I not trust him with my body and my pleasure? Why was his pleasure not just as much of a priority as mine? Leaning into his suggestions, just like he was willing to lean into mine, took us to a whole new level of intimacy.
I know this sounds so neat and tidy like we decided on a Wednesday we wanted to have better sex, and by Friday, we were making each other’s toes curl. Let me assure you, that is not the case. There have been plenty of mess-ups from both of us. The common denominator has been a commitment to making our sex life a priority. A wise woman once told me … if you are having good sex, it is 10% of your relationship. If you aren’t, it is 90%. It has always been a priority for us, and we have committed to working on it, just like we work on our budget or our parenting skills or the distribution of chores. And we are proud of it! Sometimes we high-five afterward. I know, cheesy, right?
And now I want to celebrate with my women warriors, with the goddesses who prop me up when I can’t stand. And if you don’t feel like you have something to celebrate, how can we all help you get there? What has worked or not worked for you and your partner? Let’s share the love! Because we all deserve to feel good. It doesn’t have to be a secret.